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They've left me again, gone in their car,
gone out to who knows where.
They could be hours, they didn't say,
they just plonked me on this chair.
They know I'm scared when on my own,
I shiver and have bad dreams,
I think all kinds of scary things,
that could happen in my daydreams.
What about if someone breaks in,
to steal the things they've got,
I'm only a pup, but I'd put up a fight,
or maybe hide, on second thought.
But wait, that noise, what fiend caused that,
have the burglars come as I feared.
The opening door, the cries of joy,
my folks have just appeared.
And they've got a doggie bag.
You don't see animals drinking beer,
or smoking fags in the outside air.
Or standing at the bandits,
losing money and having a swear.
They look at us as if we're mad,
and we call it recreation.
But we do it because we're human,
it's called our relaxation.
If dogs and cats could get a job
and earn a living wage
they could be like us, drink and smoke,
and die at an early age.
But they're far too clever for all that,
they don't need to do a thing,
they know that if they earned a wage,
they'd have to pay for everything.,
Something like this:
So come on, Rover, you're a sniffer dog.
How much did you earn this week?
How many bags had marijuana,
and how much hashish did you seek?
You must be worth a fortune,
So cough up for your keep,
They don't pay you bones and dog biscuits,
I need cash for your upkeep.
You don't have cash, well where's it gone?
You must get a wages packet.
What d'you mean, you spent it all,
on your expensive cocaine habit.
That's how it would be if you had a job,
you'd look after number one.
And I wouldn't blame you if you did,
Life is for having fun.
Rover the hound went to take his shot
on the pets snooker table where he was hot.
He cued up nicely, then stroked the white
and the red disappeared, out of sight.
He aimed for the black but missed the pocket
and the white hit the cush and took off like a rocket.
The Cheshire cat thought it was one big joke,
laughing as she said, 'What a terrible stroke.'
Rover scowled, said ' Don't go on,
you're no better, you little moron.'
the cat, still grinning, took her turn
and started potting, unconcerned.
She got two reds, a black and a blue
then turned to Ralph and said, 'Now you.'
Ralph looked at the colours all around
then snatched the green and swallowed it down.
Rover got mad and shouted out loud,
'You stupid Vizla that's not allowed.'
Ralph turned round, saying, 'Is that right?'
and fired the green at Rover, from his backside sight.
The Cheshire cat laughed, tears rolling down,
saying,' Now you're snookered,' as Rover fell down.
The green had hit him a nasty thump,
From Ralph's own personal machine gun rump.
How Dare They
They took me out in the car today
I thought for a ride
They put my lead around my neck
and sat me up inside.
I thought we were going walkies
I thought we were going to have fun
Chasing a ball along the beach
and going for a run.
I kept saying we've come the wrong way
But they ignored my warning refrain.
And then I recognised some streets
We were heading to the Vets again.
When the Vet saw me I nearly died
He was smiling - not a good sign.
he looked in my mouth and he looked at my back
which made me start to whine.
A needle then he jabbed in me
and soon I knew no more.
No pain or trauma registered
until I woke up stiff and sore.
My mouth felt strange as did my back
there was blood I guessed was mine
the Vet had taken some teeth out
and cut lumps out of my spine.
I was poorly and I felt betrayed
How could they act so bad.
The dog they love they keep on saying
They've had me since I was a lad.
To make things worse and humiliate
this pooch who shared their bed,
They put a funnel around my neck
For my own good they said.
Well I'm good and mad about all this
and when this funnel they take off
I'll run away and walk the streets
I'll show them who's the boss.
They'll rue the day they did me wrong
They'll be sorry when I'm gone,
But wait, their bed is soft and warm and snug
and I'd hate them to be forlorn.
And besides that fragrant chicken's cooking
I'd be mad to turn that down.
Maybe I'll give them a second chance.
Tommy cat could sing out loud
with a voice so strong and clear
that he could raise the rooftops
which he sat on without fear
No sticks or stones or other things
were tossed up at his face
no shouts and bellows to be quiet
disturbed his manly bass.
Each night he would perform
for all his loyal fans
and they'd gather all around him
worshipping black and tans.
He was a hit, he was supreme
his repertoire brought roars.
He gave them all they wanted
and they wanted more and more.
But then one night a moggy came
to visit a friendly cat
and he listened to our hero
and he said, I can sing like that.
A stunned hush pervaded all the crowd
they did not believe their ears
an upstart moggy dared to think
he was as good as theirs?
Tommy smiled, because he knew.
He'd heard it in the past.
Some cats had tried, but all had failed
Their stamina didn't last.
He said, come up and try your luck
Lets see what you can do.
Come and do a solo
and I'll stand down, just for you.
The brazen mog, he took the stage
and the audience were like stones
and he said I'll sing Delilah
by that great old cat - Tom Jones
He started off and very soon
the audience got the mood
and they started swaying to that song
and agreed - this boy was good.
Our hero was all smiles
I mean - what else could he do?
and at the end he gave applause
and the audience all did too.
Our Tom then joined him on the stage
and said if you agree
we'll form a duo with us two
and we'll sing in harmony.
They sang together on that night
and their voices they did soar
A perfect match the fans all said
and they gave a perfect score.
The humans in the neighbourhood
long suffering one and all
heard the new noise from up above
and were maddened and appalled.
A roar went up from windows wide
and in a moment poised
a lone voice bellowed out in pain,
Will you stop that Flaming Noise.
Beau the Beardie
I remember when I were a lad
there was oodles of fun to be had
For a dog of my breed
there was never a need
to be lonely or without a friend.
Females flocked to my side
and I tried and I tried
to be willing to share myself round.
The girls sometimes got mad
when they saw that I had
a new female parading around.
They nicknamed me Beau,
after Brummel you know
as I strutted my stuff with a beauty.
With my nose in the air
I did not have a care
for their language, which sometimes got fruity.
Those were the days
when the girls wagged their tails
at me as I sauntered by.
I said with a grin,
Be cool, I'll fit you in
I'm sure to be free bye and bye.
Oh, yes it was fine to be top of the pile
at the pinnacle of my career.
But when at the top
there's only one place to drop
to the bottom, and it cost me dear.
My downfall I caught when someone captured my heart.
She was lovely, a Poodle devine
I fell madly for this, little beauty I guess
It was heady, like drinking good wine.
Much trouble it brought, I fell out and fought
with her boyfriend Tyson the Brute.
He was really miffed when he saw that I kissed
her sweet lips and he went for my throat
I just managed to slip the snapping teeth and their grip
and I swerved away quick, just in time
He was on to me biting, and I was running like lightning
away from that angel devine.
Then I lost all my cred in the street where folks said
Look at Beau, He's a failure and not so big now.
He's a coward to boot and he's not worth a hoot
My tail drooped and my head it hung low.
I was ridiculed, laughed at and jeered
my friends were all gone for they feared
to be seen by my side, they'd be also despised
so they turned and they cast me aside.
For me life was hell, I had no one to tell
in my dark times and thought troubled mind.
Depression set in and I got very thin
I was wasting away as I pined.
And then the break through as we all heard the news
That Tyson the Brute was no more.
He'd picked on Big Jim, who was harder than him
and they'd fought to the death on the moor.
Then on a great day, Poodle Pat came my way
and she told me how sad she had been.
To see me each day and not able to say
things to comfort the wrongs she had seen.
For Tyson the Brute said he'd kill her before
he'd let her go anywhere near me.
He knew she had cared since the kiss we had shared
He had lost her, but she couldn't come to me.
But now, Oh, great joy, I would be her new boy
I should never again be downhearted.
We would love and grow old, have some kids in the fold
and never again we'd be parted.
A cat and a dog were neighbours
friends from their very first day.
Their parents had lived side by side for years
in harmony, that was their way.
They went off on family picnics
the six all together each year
to join up with family members
for a party of laughter and cheer.
The cats and the dogs they all gathered
on a beach where a bonfire they lit
they drank wine and beer and sang songs of good cheer
and ate meat from a barbecue pit.
The dog children swam, the cat children sang
then they all played rounders for fun.
They danced to their tunes, they played tag in the dunes
and they laughed and they loved in the sun.
As dusk came around, the parents gathered them round
and they all vowed they'd do it again.
They would meet in a year, and have fun never fear
For these families were loving and strong.
Our new hound.
She came from the pound, our lovely old hound
but she stank of that terrible smell.
The stuff that they slop, around with a mop
is disgusting, though hygenic as well.
We gave her a bath of sweet smelling scent
which improved her fragrance no end.
then we dried her and brushed her and generally fussed her
til she shone and thus started the trend.
We then took her out, to show her about
to the lake with the beaches and trees.
And she loved every thing as she started to zing
racing round like a fool, if you please.
She had never before had the freedom to explore
scents and sights that she never had seen.
and she snuffled and growled, chased spoor all around
as she played out this remarkable scene.
When she tired we went home and we patted her down
and dried off her feet and her lathering.
We sat down with tea and with fruit cake you see,
And she joined us, a family gathering.
Ten years have gone by in the blink of an eye
and she's older but still has her spark.
She's a faithful old lass but her best years have passed,
no more racing - just a walk in the park.
Dog fell out
Some days I despair : my owner's not all there.
She's forgetful, and dangerously so.
When taking me out, I was sat in the boot
of the car, as I usually do.
She went over a dip and the hatchback flew up
it was open and the car had slowed down.
So I thought we'd arrived, I jumped out and then strived
to jump in as the car it moved on.
I ran to catch up but I'm no longer a pup
and the car it was going quite fast
Passers by were amused at the sight of my plight
and they laughed at me as I passed
And then at a jam, she stopped and I ran
a bit quicker and finally jumped in.
She came around to the rear, and said I'm sorry my dear
I thought I'd locked you in.
She patted my head and then softly she said
with a smile as she tickled my ears
It could have been worse, heaven forbid it of course
But poor doggy, you could have fell out.
Whilst guarding the sheep the young shepherd did sleep
while off to the side something lay
from the undergrowth deep a fox he did peep
at the lambs on this glorious spring day
He was hungry for meat, for his cubs, for their treat
his mouth watered at the gambolling flock
he must take one home, no further could roam
it was daylight and hunting must stop
But in desperate need, the fox and his greed
crept through tussocks of grass in a mound
from downwind he tried his presence to hide
and he flattened himself on the ground
But a lamb springing high saw the fox in his hide
and cried warning to all who were near
the fox then did dash to steal a lamb in a flash
and the shepherd he leaped up in fear
Foxies jaws were about to grab at a throat
when a cudgel was thrown by the boy
the red thief was thumped on the side and he jumped
as the pain made him turn from his prey
and the lambkin was spared from the teeth that were bared
and he skipped as he danced away
and the fox he was stopped in his murderous plot
Foxies family went hungry that day.
Our dog she is so nervous, she hides if I give a cough
and when I sneeze she jumps as if a firework has gone off
She creeps around flat on the ground when we are on our own
she thinks they've all deserted her and she's left with this old clown
The only time she comes alive is when the postman calls
she goes absolutely frantic, and nearly climbs the walls
and if he's got a parcel he will not ring the bell
he leaves it on the window sill and then he runs like hell
We cannot take her walking or mixing with her type
for other dogs are all fair game and for a fight she's ripe
We try to get her out of it, we try to make her train
but she is having none of it, she really is a pain
My family love the little hound, to them she is a darlin'
But as for me, she makes me shout and then I start a swearin'
But I wouldn't be without her, the little mutt.
That moggy's back
A streak of white flies down my lawn
a cat leaps in the air
she takes off doing ninetyfive
but Betty doesn't care
How dare that cat come in my yard
how dare she stalk my birds
Wait til I get my teeth in her
I'll give her more than words
She'll rue the day she moved in here
She'll get a fight today
she don't know who she's messing with
today's the day she'll pay
I'm twice as quick, she'll find that out
No, I'm no slouch I say
my teeth have nearly snapped on her
I'll bite her bum today
Now where's she gone,she's jumped that fence
of all the bloomin' nerve
OK then, moggie let that be
a lesson I have served
I soon showed her, I saw her off
Scaring moggies is my knack
She's shaking and she's shivering
now all her bags she'll pack
Well I'll be blowed will you just look
at what's out on my lawn
my eyes are bugged, my jaw is slack
that blinking moggie's back
No one gets by, no one I say.
I work hard for my pay.
So if they think they're coming in
I'll change their minds today.
I pace the floor, I scan the grounds
my face is scowling too,
My job is to guard this house
and I'm good at what I do.
I must present an awful sight
to anyone who dares
to try to cross my threshold.
If they do they'll see who cares
That paperboy, that Postman
are wary of this pad
They slide their junk into my box
and then they run like mad.
They know that I'm ferocious
a really awesome sight
I love to scare them all to death
and put the baddies all to flight.
With my slavering jaws, my yellowing teeth
my eyes like organ stops.
The bristles standing on my neck
and my veins about to pop.
This is the picture that they see
and this picture is of me.....
A soft and cuddly poodle
I'm a monster wannabee.
The dog he was a beauty,
He was red and larger than most
A Hungarian Vizla was his pedigree
he was a pointer, well that was his boast.
He would point at the ants on the ground
he would point at a bumble bee
he would point at a butterfly resting
he'd point at whatever he'd see.
One more of his qualifications
was that he'd eat anything that was found
paper tissues and cardboard boxes
were the favourites of this crazy hound.
He ate socks from the laundry basket
he ate underpants, knickers and shoes
he ate them all with relish
and he looked very well on them too.
Nothing was safe from this menace
to him they were tasty and cool
Like the Christmas tree confetti
and those balls of cotton wool
The confetti gave them all a reminder
if they needed it, of Christmas cheer
When he went to the toilet the message came through
and was spread on the grass far and near.
The cotton balls were his defences
against cats that invaded his space
He would turn and then sight with his backside,
hitting the cats in the face.
Our Ralph is a legend around us
People know when he comes into view
That they'd better be hiding their goodies away
or Ralph will be having a chew.
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Copyright deric barry 2015